Thursday, December 5, 2013

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Essential Slave Skills: Formal Dining Etiquette

Why is Etiquette important?

There are several reasons why practicing good etiquette is important.  First off, having a common set of expectations and protocols (yes, we know those don't we???) helps people be comfortable.  We can relax as we know that we all know what is expected and what kind of behavior everyone at the table will exhibit. Have you ever been at an event and someone did not know how to behave?  Maybe they coughed or sneezed all over the food; maybe they talked about subjects that made people uncomfortable; maybe they ate loudly or stacked all their used plates in the middle of the table like a great leaning tower of bad manners! Situations like this can take away from everyone's enjoyment of an event.  For ourselves, we can relax and know that we don't have to worry about embarrassing ourselves and can carry ourselves in a manner that enhances our confidence.

Even moreso for those of us in the lifestyle, we can show others that we know how to behave in certain arenas and make our Dominants proud, or if unowned, gain the attention of a potential Dominant.  We might be surprised how much of an impact displaying etiquette appropriate to the situation has on those around us!


What times might knowing dining etiquette be helpful to the slave/submissive?

Dinners out with Dominant
Dinners out with Dominant and guests, including business associates
Family gatherings
Wedding and other receptions
Hosting gatherings or dinners
Community or church gatherings/parties/dinners
Job interviews
Training children and/or other adults


Knowing and displaying proper etiquette sets you apart and assists you in carrying yourself with grace and poise!


Know Your Tools!

Below are illustrations for a formal dinner setting:



Here is what it looks like:




That's a lot of stuff on a table, no?  Of course, the number of items on your table setting are dependent on the number of courses and types of courses you are serving.  You do not have to include them all!

Even if you are not attending or hosting a large event, having a lovely table setting is a nice way to pamper your Dominant and do something special for him/her.

Here's what a place setting could look like at home or in a more casual setting:



If you are serving soup (pre-set or served at the table), your setting would look like this:


You could pre-serve the soup (have it placed before the guests take their seats), have it served by wait staff or serve it yourself after your guests have been seated, or have a soup tureen that is passed and guests serve themselves.  After guests have finished the soup, the soup bowls are cleared, leaving either the salad plate or the dinner plate ready for the next course.

Settings for salad service (pre-set or served at the table) look like this:


Whether it is a fruit or vegetable or some other kind of salad, you can save time and effort by having it set out before your guests are seated.  After they finish, it can be cleared.   If it is not pre-set, a salad can be served by wait staff or by you, or you could opt for a salad bowl to be passed and for guests to serve themselves.

A word on buffets:   If the meal is being served buffet style, typically the plates are not placed on the table but are kept at the buffet table for when they guests come to select their food.  It may be possible to have the plates at the table in a setting, but the guests would need to excuse themselves at each course, take their plate to the buffet and select food, then return and eat it.  This may be a bit awkward, but it could also be a novel way to have both a beautiful table with full place settings at the start of the meal, as well as having the convenience of buffet service.

If you do not have china or silverware or serving dishes, you can always check with a local rental company, who usually have these available for rent at a reasonable cost.  You can also check with family and friends and see if they would have items you could borrow.  If you choose to have your gathering catered, the catering company will have place settings included in their services.

In adorning a table, a few simple items that you could find around the house, in a garden or in nature, or in a local craft store can create a wonderful table at little to no cost.

Here are some place setting and table ideas:








Click here for more ideas/tips:  Table Setting 101

Here are some more wonderful sites with table setting ideas:

HGTV Thanksgiving Table Ideas

Real Simple Holiday Beautiful Tables

Huffington Posts Table Setting Ideas


There are many ways to display/set your napkins as well:





Even though they look very complex and difficult, napkin folds are relatively simple to learn and can make quite an impact on a beautiful table.

Below are some sites that give step by step napkin folding ideas & instructions:

Napkin Folding Guide

28 Napkin Folding Techniques

Some tips for hosting a dinner or gathering:
  • Try to do as much as you can beforehand (cooking ahead, presetting salads, using placecards)
  • Be creative in getting help!  Do you have submissive friends or Dominant friends with submissives/slaves who would like some practice serving?  Enlist their help with meal preparation, table setting, and even as wait staff!

Ok, now it's time to discuss the Dining Experience itself:

General Rules/Protocol:
  • Use silverware from the "outside in"
  • All silverware has a Resting position (meaning you are still eating) and a Finished position (signaling the wait staff to clear the course).

  • When at a private event, wait for the host/hostess to signal the beginning and end of the meal, courses, etc.
  • Wait for all guests to be served at your table before beginning to eat.
  • Once you have used a utensil, it must never touch the table again.
  • Food is served by wait staff from the left; wait staff removes plates from the right.
  • Transport food to your mouth…not your mouth to the food.
  • Follow whatever dress code is requested on the invitation or suggested by the host/hostess
  • Arrive at least 10 minutes early unless otherwise specified. Never arrive late.
  • It is proper to bring a small hostess gift, one that the hostess is not obliged to use that very evening. Gifts such as flowers, candy, wine, or dessert, are not good hostess gifts, as the hostess will feel that it must put it out immediately. You must not never expect your gift to be served at the dinner party.
  • At a dinner party, wait for the host or hostess sits down before taking your seat. If the host/hostess asks you to sit, then do. At a very formal dinner party, if there are no name cards at the table, wait until the host indicates where you should sit. The seating will typically be man-woman-man-woman with the women seated to the right of the men.
  • Is it proper to pull the chair out for a lady? For a business meeting or meal, no. For a social occasion, i.e., wedding or date, yes.
  • A prayer or 'blessing' may be customary in some households. The dinner guests may join in or be respectfully silent. Most prayers are made by the host before the meal is eaten.
  • Sometimes a toast is offered instead of a prayer. Always join in with a toast. If the host stands up during the toast, also stand up.
  • Serving tea or coffee signifies that the formal part of the evening is over. Guests may now feel free to leave, or linger if the host or hostess encourages them to do so.
  • After a formal dinner party, a thank you note should be sent to the hostess. Depending on how well you know your hosts, a telephone call is also acceptable.
  • Butter, spreads, or dips should be transferred from the serving dish to your plate before spreading or eating.
  • Ladies purses should not be placed on the table. If they are small enough, you can place them on your lap. If they are large, set them on the floor under to your chair. Try to avoid having them out in the aisle where they can possibly trip someone. Briefcases and meeting materials should also be placed on the floor under your chair.
  • Engage in polite conversation: Generally speaking, we all love to talk about ourselves and what we are interested in, and, if given half a chance, have no problem conversing if someone is willing to listen. If you are dining with people you are familiar with, you are already comfortable talking to each other. What if you are at a table of complete strangers? What do you talk about now? Here are a few examples. 1. Hobbies, 2. Travel, 3. Food, 4. Movies, 5. Theater,  6. School/Degrees/Careers, 7.  Music, 8. Your place of birth. Do not engage in conversation about taboo topics of religion, politics, sexuality.
  • Manners matter!  Always say "please" and "thank you" to your wait staff, including when plates are served or cleared.

Rules for Napkins:
  • Put your napkin in your lap immediately upon sitting at an event; in a home, wait for the Host/Hostess to place his/her napkin in his/her lap, then do so.
  • Fold napkin in half or in a quarter fold and place across your lap
  • Dab your lip/face if you need to clean food from it, then fold napkin to hide food stains; replace in lap.
  • If you leave the table, place folded napkin to left of your plate; when leaving the table at the end of the meal, leave it there as well, or where your plate was if it has been cleared, folded again.


Passing dishes or food:
  • Pass food from the left to the right. Do not stretch across the table, crossing other guests, to reach food or condiments.
  • If another diner asks for the salt or pepper, pass both together, even if a table mate asks for only one of them. This is so dinner guests won't have to search for orphaned shakers.
  • Set any passed item, whether it's the salt and pepper shakers, a bread basket, or a butter plate, directly on the table instead of passing hand-to-hand as much as possible.
  • Never intercept a pass. Snagging a roll out of the breadbasket or taking a shake of salt when it is en route to someone else is a no-no.
  • Always use serving utensils to serve yourself, not your personal silverware.
Eating:
  • Do NOT talk with food in your mouth! This is very rude and distasteful to watch! Wait until you have swallowed the food in your mouth. If you ask someone a question, patiently wait while they finish chewing or make another comment while they finish.
  • Always taste your food before seasoning it. Usually the hostess has gone to a lot of work making sure the food served is delicious to her standards. It is very rude to add salt and pepper before tasting the food.
  • Don't blow on your food to cool it off. If it is too hot to eat, make some pleasant conversation and wait until it cools.
  • Always scoop food, using the proper utensil, away from you, including soup.
  • Cut only enough food for the next mouthful (cut no more than two bites of food at a time). Eat in small bites and slowly.  You do not want to have a huge mouthful of food and have to chew for five minutes if someone does ask you a question!
  • Do eat a little of everything on your plate. If you do not like the food and feel unable to give a compliment, just keep silent. It is acceptable to leave some food on your plate if you are full and have eaten enough. If the food served is not to your liking, it is polite to at least attempt to eat a small amount of it. It is never acceptable to ask a person why they have not eaten all the food. Don't make an issue if you don't like something or can't eat it - keep silence.
  • If you have dietary restrictions, you must let the host/hostess know in advance.  It is inappropriate to request food other than that which is being served by the host at a private function. Dietary restrictions mean those bound by health, religions or other life restrictions (vegan or vegetarian), NOT because you happen to not like what is being served.
  • Do not "play with" your food or utensils. Never wave or point silverware. Do not hold food on the fork or spoon while talking, nor wave your silverware in the air.
  • Try to pace your eating so that you don’t finish long before others do. If you are a slow eater, try to speed up a bit on this occasion so you don’t hold everyone up. Never continue to eat long after others have stopped.
Utensil Holds:


Use one of two methods when using the fork and knife:
American Style: Knife in right hand, fork in left hand holding food. After a few bite-sized pieces of food are cut, place knife on edge of plate with blades facing in. Eat food by switching fork to right hand (unless you are left handed). A left hand, arm or elbow on the table is bad manners.
Continental/European Style: Knife in right hand, fork in left hand. Eat food with fork still in left hand. The difference is that you don't switch hands-you eat with your fork in your left hand, with the prongs curving downward. Both utensils are kept in your hands with the tines pointed down throughout the entire eating process. If you take a drink, you do not just put your knife down, you put both utensils down into the resting position: cross the fork over the knife.
Below is pictured how to seat the utensils and then hold them, Continental/European Style: 




I suggest Americans practice the European utensil holds - in my opinion, it looks much more elegant!

Table Manners:

  • Keep elbows off the table. Keep your left hand in your lap unless you are using it.
  • Guests should do their best to mingle and make light conversation with everyone. Do not talk loudly. Give others equal opportunities for conversation. Talk about cheerful, pleasant things at the table. 
  • Don't clean up spills with your own napkin and don't touch items that have dropped on the floor. You can use your napkin to protect yourself from spills. Then, simply and politely ask your server to clean up and to bring you a replacement for the soiled napkin or dirty utensil.
  • Loud eating noises such as slurping and burping are very impolite in American culture. Know the norms of the culture, however.  In some, NOT making noise while eating is considered rude!  
  • Do not blow your nose at the dinner table. Excuse yourself to visit the restroom. Wash your hands before returning to the dining room. If you cough, cover your mouth with your napkin to stop the spread of germs and muffle the noise. If your cough becomes unmanageable, excuse yourself to visit the restroom. Wash your hands before returning to the dining room.
  • Turn off your cell phone or switch it to silent or vibrate mode before sitting down to eat, and leave it in your pocket or purse. It is impolite to answer a phone during dinner. If you must make or take a call, excuse yourself from the table and step outside of the restaurant.
  • Do not use a toothpick or apply makeup at the table.
  • Say "Excuse me," or "I'll be right back," before leaving the table. Do not say that you are going to the restroom.
  • Whenever a woman leaves the table or returns to sit, all men seated with her should stand up.  You should always avoid, as much as possible, ever leaving the table during a meal.
  • Do not push your dishes away from you or stack them for the waiter when you are finished. Leave plates and glasses where they are.
Rules for Soup:
  • Dip the spoon into the soup, moving it away from the body, until it is about two-thirds full, then sip the liquid (without slurping) from the side of the spoon (without inserting the whole bowl of the spoon into the mouth).
  • It is perfectly fine to tilt the bowl slightly (again away from the body) to get the last spoonful or two of soup.
  • To eat bread while eating your soup, don't hold the bread in one hand and your soup spoon in the other. When ready to eat a bite of your bread, place the spoon on the under plate, then use the same hand to take the bread to your mouth
  • Resting and finished position for soup is on the service plate under the soup and on the right side.
Etiquette in action:  How to Eat Soup

Rules for Salads:
  • If you are served large pieces or a whole wedge of lettuce, cut one bite at a time, using the knife provided.
  • If the salad is served before or after the main course, use the smaller fork. If the salad is considered the main course, use the entrée fork (large fork).
  • Move items you do not like to the side of your plate.  Never put them on the table or on another plate like your bread plate.
  • Resting position for salads is the same as for entrees, knife at four o'clock and fork at 7 o'clock. Finished position is also the same as for entrees, both knife and fork at four o'clock.
Check out this video:  Etiquette for Salads

Rules for Bread:
  • Use your fingers to remove bread from the serving plate. When a bread and butter plate is on the table, use it appropriately.
  • Break slices of bread, rolls and muffins in small pieces never larger than one bite. Butter each bite at a time. Small biscuits do not have to be broken. It is never appropriate to cut a roll with a knife.
  • When the rolls are served in a basket, take one, and always pass the basket to your right. Place the roll on the bread plate, which is located on the left side. Never tear your roll in half or into many pieces before you are ready to butter and eat it, and then break off one piece at a time.
  • Use your own butter knife and the butter on your plate; buttering should be done on the plate or just above it. Use your butter knife for spreading and not as the butter server. The butter knife remains on the bread and butter plate at the end of the meal.

Rules for Main Course:

Chicken:
  • It once was acceptable to pick up food on a bone, such as chicken, if it could be held with two fingers. I don't recommend that you do this in a public setting.
  • When dining at the restaurant or in a public place, chicken should always be eaten with a fork and knife.
  • If you are at an informal barbecue, in the fast food restaurant where you bought the chicken, and/or at your own home, it is perfectly acceptable to eat chicken with your fingers. 
Crab/lobster claws: 
  • Crack them with a nutcracker and the meat taken out with an miniature or oyster fork.
Pasta:  
  • The perfect method for eating spaghetti or other long stringy pasta is to twirl it around your fork. Use a spoon to help if needed.
  • What is undeniably bad manners is slurping in a mouthful of trailing pasta without benefit of twirl or knife. It's often loud, and it's never pretty.
  • If possible, serve warm pasta in warm, shallow bowls instead of on dinner plates. The sides of the bowl aids in turning pasta noodles on the fork. 
Great video:  Pasta Etiquette

Potatoes:
  • Baked potatoes are most often served already slit. If not, cut across the top with a knife, open the potato wider with your fork, and then add butter, sour cream, chives, salt, and pepper to taste.
  • You may eat the skin as you go along. Don't take the insides out and put the skin aside (or take the aluminum foil off). Eat it by scooping out the insides bite by bite.

Risotto:

  • Using a fork or a spoon, push the grains of cooked rice out slightly toward the edge of the bowl, eating only from the pulled out ring of rice.Continue spreading from the center and eating around the edges in a circle. This will keep the risotto hot as you enjoy your risotto.

Sandwich:
  • Small Sandwiches: Such as tea sandwiches or canapés, may be picked up and eaten with your fingers.
  • Large Sandwiches: If not cut in halve, should be cut with your knife before lifting and eating.
  • Hot Sandwiches: Any hot sandwich  or open-face sandwich that is served with a gravy requires a knife and fork.
  • Wraps: Such as burritos and other sandwiches in which the filling is wrapped in thin flat bread (usually tortillas or pita bread) are eaten with the hands. Any sandwich filling that falls from the sandwich to the plate is eaten with a fork.

Shish-kabob:
  • Appetizers: Shish kebab are eaten directly from the skewer only if they are served as an appetizer.
  • Dinner Entree: Hold the tip of the shish-kabob in one hand and use the dinner fork to remove the pieces with the other. When all the food has been removed from the stick, place the emptied skewer on the edge of your plate. Always eat the meat with your utensils.

Shrimp:
  • Shrimp Cocktail: If large shrimp are served in a stemmed glass, pick them up with an oyster fork or whatever fork is provided and bite off a mouthful at a time, dipping into the sauce before each bite.
  • Large Shrimp: If large shrimp are served on a platter with sauce and no fork, pick up with your fingers, dip into sauce and put to your mouth. When eating shrimp with the tail still on, hold the shrimp by the tail and dip it into the sauce once. Eat it in one bite if it is not too large. Otherwise, eat it in two bites. Do not dunk the second bite into the sauce! Then discard the tail as you would olive pits or toothpicks.
  • Deep-Fried Shrimp: Tail-on deep-fried shrimp is meant to be eaten with the fingers.
  • Skewered Shrimp: If eating shrimp on a skewer, slide the shrimp off onto a plate (even if it is a paper plate at a cook out). Skewered shrimp should never be eaten like a corn dog.
  • Asian Dishes: When eating shrimp with the tail that are part of some orientail dishes or fried foods, remove the tail with a fork and set to the side of your plate or on a separate "discard dish" if one is provided.
Video for entrees in general:  Entree Etiquette

For more rules on handling specific foods, please go here:  Hard to Handle Foods

Rules for Drinks:

  • If you do not drink, politely refuse the offer of alcohol, no further explanation is required.
  • Never turn the glass upside down to decline wine. It is more polite to let the wine be poured and not draw attention to yourself. If you are asked about wine and will not be drinking, quietly decline.
  • If you sweeten your drinks, use a maximum of 2 or 3 packages of sweetener.
Video for coffee and tea etiquette:  Coffee & Tea


Rules for Desserts:

What do you do with a dessert fork and spoon when you find them in your place setting? Depending on what you're eating, these utensils are often interchangeable.

  • Table manners for eating soft desserts. In general, eat custards and other very soft desserts with a spoon, using the fork for berries or any other garnishes. Cake, pie, or crepes being served ala mode - i.e., with ice cream - may be eaten with either or both of the utensils.
  • Table manners for eating firm desserts. For firmer desserts such as dense cakes or poached pears, switch the utensils - the fork for eating, the spoon for pushing and cutting.
  • Table manners for eating layer cake. When you're served layer cake with the slice upright, turn it on its side with a dessert fork and spoon or any other utensil that remains at your place
Great video for dessert etiquette:  Dessert Etiquette

There are many more nuances to good dining etiquette.  Please spend some time reading the resources below and practicing on your own!  Good etiquette always pays off!

Take some time and watch these videos to see etiquette in action:

Table Etiquette, Part 1
Table Etiquette, Part 2
Table Etiquette, Part 3
Table Etiquette, Part 4


Resources (used directly and indirectly throughout this blog, in addition to information gathered through 25 years of service and training):

http://www.forbes.com/sites/work-in-progress/2012/02/29/seriously-simple-dining-etiquette-guide-american-and-continental-styles/
http://whatscookingamerica.net/Menu/DiningEtiquetteGuide.htm
http://www.udel.edu/CSC/pdf/BusinessDiningEtiquette.pdf
http://www.videojug.com/tag/dining-etiquette
http://www.wou.edu/student/career/Post%20on%20SLCD%20Web/Etiquette%20Hand-Out.pdf
http://www.etiquettescholar.com/etiquette_scholar/dining_etiquette.html
http://www.fordham.edu/images/facilities/food/pdfs/etiquette2.pdf
http://victoriapilate.com/files/free-download-dining-etiquette.pdf
http://www.beechwoodhotel.com/blog/2012/12/is-dining-etiquette-important/
http://www.gentlemansgazette.com/table-etiquette-guide-informal-dining-manners/